Garbage Without Color

This is as true as I can remember...

I'm walking down a street near my home...

When this drunk guy wearing no shirt and super baggy shorts starts yelling at me...

"Are you a man or a woman?" 

"thats right I'm talkin' to you fag!" 

"go change your f**kin' pants! you get those from your little sister?"

"Come over here so I can talk to you faggot!" 

My basic instinct is to turn around and tell him I would rather be dead than live the piece of trash life he lives and that I'd have sex with a man before i'd f**k his sister...

But I don't because that in no way would reflect who I am... Or would it....

its in this moment I realize I'm one step away from who he's allowed himself to become...

It's only the grace of God that keeps me from acting out on the foolishness that runs through my stupid little head...

I also allow myself a moment to revel in the humor of the bigotry... 

Ah hahaha... 

Thats better... maybe soon even the response in my head to that foolishness will be 

"Jesus loves you"

Week One (edit)

When you walked away a part of me died

Instantly the knowledge of words unsaid played over and over in my mind...

For three days I knew only regret...

I told myself it was all in the past...

Screw that...

My heart break is now... My tears are today...

Your placating means nothing... because nothing's ok...

The axis of my worlds been taken out of place...

and now Im out of control spinning into space...

You my friend are a miserable comforter..

Wait, wait, wait, I was wrong...

You were right I've completely taken my eyes off God...

I'm just afraid of whats next... I messed up what if God calls in my debt...

O my God!! Im so scared such a mess...

How could God bless...

Please pray for me... I'm very weak...

Yes my friend I am standing the need...

Life Today

A dirty room...

This has been the living room for the last few days...

"Small children hopelessly sucked into a virtual reality"

haha...

Cold

I don't trust...

I sure as hell don't trust you... 

Nothing you say that you'll do is qualified until it comes to fruition...

O man... you've failed me over and over... 

Only God knows how many tears i've shed over you...

Till I learned how not to hurt any more...

Till i perfected my plastic trust... 

my confidence that you valued like gold but was no more precious than dust...

Now I never try and I never believe... I never laugh and I never need...

I never cry or bleed... Never truly see reality...

its all so I can stand on my own.... When I cant see, I'm alone....

Don't Stay Up This Late

Its 3:30 in the morning...

wow... my evening consisted of a movie, shirt modification, and endless pancakes...

or 5 to be exact... wow... I though i was gonna go to bed at 10:30...

But its ok... im not a victim of my bedtime... I will survive... 

(averytired)

James

Random thoughts about this Blog

So...

life in the last few months... life has been interesting to say the least...

Since ive been back it seems like my life and my perspective has changed drastically...

i feel truly free... i used to feel obligated to so many things so scared that i might do something wrong causing everyone to hate me or "disapprove"... 

It was like in some way their disapproval defined my success... my joy... my outlook on life in general...

But now ive owned the concept that Gods loving me doesnt change and thats what defines me...

so that my outlook on life today...

I would like to use this blog to share some of the pictures i've taken as well...

Ok...

-James

 

This is my first blog... 

its for everyone who reads it and its about whatever I write...

If you're reading this know you're loved...